A conversation with myself

What do you even want? You have a list of things that scream how incompatible you two are for each other. There are some core differences that you’re not even sure you can be okay with. You’re driven, passionate, and insightful. He’s sweet, charming, and funny but he’s not motivated, he hardly pays you much attention, and this situationship has been going on long enough that you’re never going to get past the shallow into deeper waters like you’d hope for.

Is that what this pain is all is? Just you throwing a tantrum because things aren’t going your way? Haven’t you learned from this kind of affection before? There’s no point sticking around and hoping for more when you KNOW there won’t be more. If nothing has happened by now, what makes you think it’s going to change any time soon? Why do you keep putting up with this? Why can’t you let go?

Preciosa, I love you so much and want so much more for you. I want better for you. You deserve it. You are worth it. If he hasn’t seen that then that’s just that. It’s not your problem to fix or to prove him otherwise so he can change his mind. He won’t and I need us to come to terms with it. It’s been nothing but superficial and hardly ever reciprocal. Think about it long term. Say he does change his mind. Do you see how long it’s taken for him to come around (hypothetically)? Imagine how much longer you’ll have to wait for any other next steps you might be interested in further along the road. That’s not for you. You are patient but mi vida, when is enough, enough?

If he walks away, he walks away. We can’t control how other act or what they say but we do have control over how we act or react. You have all of the control over yourself even though it doesn’t feel much like it right now. I know you’re tired of hearing this but things will fall into place soon, when the time is right. And you will blossom, my beautiful orchid. You’ll blossom so fully, no one will be able to divert their eyes. It’s all baby steps until then. Cuídaté, enamórate de ti misma, y déjate llevar por ti misma.

The constant back and forth in my head

How is it possible that I’m always on the verge of tears yet I never cry?

It’s as if my heart is slowly breaking apart with each passing day. And I know I shouldn’t take things so personally, not when our foundation was never strong to begin with. How could I expect more? When did we lose it? Where did your interest go? What did I do?

I try not to ask myself those questions because I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer. Or maybe there is no answer to it at all because I’ve read too much into it when I should’ve just seen it for what it is. Temporary and shallow.

All I want to do is cry out in frustration. All I want to do is leave. All I want is better from you. For me.

It just is so frustrating! You present yourself in such an interesting way in front of others yet when it’s just us two…it’s softer, comfortable, but still out of reach somehow. How does any of that make sense?

I guess we’re both just indecisive and in denial. I don’t want to leave and neither do you but you can’t seem to give me more and I’m getting tired.